Tag: Procreate

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Vampiric

I’m FancySchmancy, an eldritch scholar of the watery underworld, on an academic quest to draw every creature in the multiverse. Last week’s theme was “Vampiric.” Here are the creatures we discovered.

The Jack Black the Ripper Vampire

With a gut full of noxious fumes and a voice of heavenly metal, the Jack Black the Ripper vampire is known to siphon box office profits with his multi-hyphenate fangs. Yes, his presence in film is pervasive, but remember, he can only star in a video game franchise if you explicitly invite him in.

Skibidi Toilet Vampire

Subsisting on the veins of brainrot iPad babies, the Skibidi Toilet vampire is the latest and perhaps most peculiar case of vampire evolution. When it’s not stalking the sewer systems and fomenting esoteric world wars, it’s shopping screenplays for its Michael Bay movie adaptation.

Vampire with Too Many Familiars

Vampires across the multiverse have mortal familiars to help them scour for new victims. While Dracula recruited an adult Renfield in one universe, in another the Renfields were a set of quintuplets. Thus the baron of fear became a father of five. Shame he’s not an early riser.

Join me live Wednesdays at 7pm EST on Twitch to suggest what creatures I draw based on the weekly theme. Our next theme: “Rock Solid.”

Duolingo Is Cooked

Lately being on the internet feels like clamoring up the topsails while it sinks deeper into AI-infested waters. The latest shipwreck is Duolingo, where CEO Luis von Ahn proclaimed his “AI-first” agenda on LinkedIn, much to the chagrin of the language app’s userbase.

Duolingo has been on the enshittification trajectory for a while now, which bums me out, because I’ve actually enjoyed the app quite a bit. It’s cheeky, it gamifies language to make it more fun, and it’s helpful for reinforcing vocabulary. The persistent (if not outright threatening) green owl is probably responsible for me speaking Spanish with more fluidity than I used to.

But in the last year or so, AI has been slowly plucking out the owl’s feathers. The lessons reek of the sterile non-sequitors common with LLM generation. The UI has become more predatory as it pushes you towards higher subscription tiers. And the AI video calls with Lily, while novel, are often clumsy and uncomfortable, as you rush to complete your sentences before she responds to half-uttered phrases. In some cases, the conversations turns weirdly puritanical: when her AI asked what I like to drink, it hung up on me when I mentioned I sometimes like to have a beer.

Despite these foibles, von Ahn’s message to users is, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. In fact, he mentions “occasional small hits on quality” as they reorient their systems to AI, an odd promise when your current AI products are upwards of $150 a year. Not to mention those hits on quality will probably be larger and more frequent than a well-polished corporate memo would have users believe.

Although maybe the most sinister aspect of the memo is telling employees that Duolingo “cares deeply” about them. That rings pretty hollow when the first casualty of their “AI-first” philosophy is outside contractors. It’s a bit like telling the permanent crew of your ship you’ve got their back, while you walk the merchant sailors off the plank.

All in all, it’s a terrible look. As a brand guy, my sympathies go out to the marketing team. The frenzied, absurdist meme-fest of their content has garnered a lot of good will from their users for years now, and their CEO just set it ablaze. But sadly, this feels like the inevitable descent of every publicly traded company these days: the quixotic pursuit of infinite profit derived from zero labor. The mythic perpetual motion engine of capitalism.

I won’t be renewing my Duolingo subscription when it expires. Look as menacingly at me as you want, Duo. I’ll just shut the curtains and wait for you to get bored.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Parasites

As with the previous week, this past week’s theme of Parasites was inspired in no small part by the general state of affairs on planet Earth. Here are what species we discovered based on Twitch chat’s prompts.

Parasitic Pigeon

(Prompt from CeruleanOak)

Pigeons, to me, are a tragedy of mistaken identity. Often called the “rats of the sky,” they are, in fact, domesticated birds gone partially feral due to generations of neglect. Yes, they flock to your cities, because they were literally bred to occupy them.

On an alternate version of earth, not only had they gone wild, they’d gone vampire, thus wreaking their revenge on their once affectionate masters. No longer content to eat crumbs, they now feast on human flesh. Should make you thankful for your own sky rats, no?

Parasitic Landlord

(Prompt from Nipplepotomus)

In a forested world, there are stout, gnomish creatures who suck every last nutrient they can from those who occupy the land. These are the parasitic landlords, and should you fail to till their soil, their carnivorous hands will find other means of consumption. Beware eviction, for it means your devouring.

Krangfield

(Prompt by Welkhiki)

A clash of radical dimensions forged this unholy creature, a mechanized feline with no autonomy, piloted by a sentient lasagna. Its megalomaniac quest will not cease until every Monday has been eradicated.

Iron Giant Spider

(Prompt by IdhYaa)

Finally, a mistake in reassembly has resulted in this creeping abomination. While it once idealized the benevolence of Superman, it now craves only a complete body, and will perhaps roam the earth collection scraps until it can reach its former status.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature happens every Saturday on Twitch. I am FancySchmancy, an eldritch undersea scholar on a quest to draw every creature in the multiverse. Each week, I select a theme, chat gives me prompts, and the Abyssal Bestiary selects which prompts we draw. Join me!

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Garbage

For no reason in particular, I’ve felt like the world’s been a bit trash lately. I don’t know, something about a dull cadre of third-generation nepo-babies tanking the economy for the lulz gives me the sensation the country is their dumpster, and we’re just living in it. So, in the spirit of the pungent refuse that is our shared existence at the moment, last week’s Creature Feature was themed “Garbage.”

Trash Crab

The Creature Feature started with this delightful creature, suggested by Twitch user Nipplepotomus. It reminds me a little of the Mimic-style toenail jar I drew a couple Features back. At least one creature in this world is thrilled about the abundance of rubbish there is to consume.

Shrimp Pimp

This one, suggested by Twitch user Timochet, veered away from the Garbage theme a bit, but it’s in keeping with Twitch chat’s obsession with me drawing crustaceans. As a wise man once said, shrimping ain’t easy. (Forrest Gump, maybe?)

Biblically Accurate Robber Baron

As far as Garbage goes? This one tracks. Bonus points, because it has chat’s other favorite meme, which is me putting lots of eyeballs on things.

The FancySchmancy Creature is a live drawing show every Saturday morning around 10am EST on Twitch. Each week, I play an eldritch scholar from the watery underworld, drawing the infinite creatures of the multiverse. I pick a theme, chat gives me prompts, and the Abyssal Bestiary picks which prompts to draw. One of them could be yours!

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Frigid

It’s March in New England, which means winter has yet to wane. I spent a few icy days in Boston for a trade show a couple of weeks ago, so it felt reasonable to make the word “Frigid” the theme for the Creature Feature afterwards. Here were the results:

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Frigid

If my avatar were married, this might be his wife’s mom, sure. And who knows, even if she is a little frigid, I like to think they get along.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Frigid

Leave it to my Twitch chat to suggest something foot-related. But it gave me the idea for this amiable mimic who delights in nothing more than savoring your toenail clippings. How is it frigid, you may ask? I don’t know, maybe toenail clippings last longer in the fridge.

Also, isn’t weird that we grow toenails at all? Fingernails I understand, like they’re useful for picking and clawing and whatnot. But toenails feel superfluous, just there to grow fungus and slice your socks up. Anyway, I digress.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Frigid

This one was simply based off the word “snot.” In a faraway dimension, there’s a world in which the winged nose harpies flock to more frigid climates to avoid seasonal allergies. While they can weather it with rosy ardor, their snotty offspring fair worse. However, as the nose harpy is one of this world’s apex predators, no one has the courage to let them know they’ve got clingers. So their ice-booger progeny often linger in the nostrils well into adolescence.

I don’t know what I’m writing anymore.

Dwarven Marmoset (Grewsumgary)

In their frozen world, the Dwarven Marmoset clans are the last defense against the ice serpents of the Eternal Tempest. They are known for their ferocity in battle, as well as being just so goddamn cute.

Ice-Fanged Shower Griffin (Nipplepotomus)

Based on the prompt “Shower” by Nipplepotomus. The ice-fanged shower griffin is the natural predator of Twitch chatters who refuse to take the initiative to bathe, instead relying on the streamer to coax them into proper hygiene. Not naming names here.

Join me most Saturdays around 10am EST live on Twitch to submit your prompts and watch me draw more pages in the Bestiary.